A male guest, more like the blurry figure of a man, accompanied me to a family gathering. Mind you, I haven't brought any male acquaintance/friend/boyfriend to a family gathering in a long time, especially one where my father attended. See, my parents divorced when I was a very young teen. There's been a few occasions when my dad has attended holiday parties. Looking back at those instances now, I realize now those moments were special; even though, my dad was often the subject of much chagrin among my sisters, my mother and I.
He can say some off-the-wall things; he has an anxious, nervous personality. He gets uncomfortable; he can be neurotic and judgmental about certain people. However, when he relaxes, he can be quite jovial. When that happens, he can surprise us with his witty and sarcastic sense of humor and his knowledge of random historical events of anywhere imaginable in the world. He was always passionate about that; he only graduated high school, but he would read history books for leisure. We grew up watching documentaries and films about world civil wars and Elvis Presley. I think I'll do another post on that and of some of his eccentricities.
Anyways, my male guest was sitting next to my father; I was standing against a picnic table. My father blurts out, "you guys are falling in love!" with a smirk on his face and an alcoholic beverage in his hand. I look over at my male guest with my eyes wide; he looks back at me like a deer caught in the headlights. "Dad, stop...it's not like that! This is just someone I'm getting to know, just a friend," I say to my father, who then answers, "no, this is the one! I know it!" as he bursts out laughing. I charge back, "you're making him and I uncomfortable dad, c'mon...please."
As I walk away embarrassed and horrified, I glance over at my male guest, whose expression now is more of amusement; he is looking at me and holding back an irrepressible grin. I was expecting him to stand up and walk away, perhaps cut his visit short, which I would have understood. But he was there sitting with my father and enjoying his company. I decided to stay away. I don't remember coming back and talking to my father or the male guest, only watching them from a distance. I went on to the kitchen do some dishes. I think it was the same kitchen of the house I grew up in.
I woke up in contemplation. My family and I don't gather that often, except for a few holidays. I'm not even that close to my father, which reminds me that I have to give him a call. Regardless, it's unlikely for him to say something like that. I then thought of the errands/work I had to this weekend. Was this some subconscious desire of gaining acceptance from my family, especially my father?
They do accept me, but they think I live a somewhat unconventional life. To think of it, we all do. We are not really in stable relationships or even with significant others. We all lead our independent lives. I rarely share anything about personal relationships with my father. We actually got into an argument about it once, when he felt "overwhelmed by the wrong choices I make with men." He gets overwhelmed easily; it made no sense. I never even involved my father in any of those failed relationships; I always kept those things to myself to escape his judgment.
Still, I never went through any more drama than the average person. It's not like I ever showed up at his door beaten, barefoot and pregnant. I never felt like I needed any validation on who I chose to date from him anyways. Maybe he'd heard something from my mother, whom he still calls often. We haven't talked about it since he apologized, chalking it up to stress. He actually talks to me about the women he meets, which is funny. Besides that, our conversations revolve around work, mom, my sisters, films and politics.
Is this some unfulfilled, subconscious wish? Or nonsensical, nocturnal mental ramblings? Interesting nonetheless.
